The Secret Diary of Michelle Obama | The First Lady's take on everything, from Happy Meals to how to get into Harvard

Dear Diary, I'm Being Sued!

Operation Diversion in full effect, but to no avail.

Dear Diary,

I fear my 2010 vacation to Spain with a legion of girlfriends is coming back to haunt me and derail my husband's campaign.

For two years most media have supported my claim that I paid for this trip out of our family bank account.

This week, however, a watch dog group petitioned the courts for records of any taxpayer expenses linked to that trip -- even though our Air Force friends have been ignoring requests to release records for months.

Sure, taxpayers only paid for security but do I really need that exorbitant bill being revealed as hubby pursues re-election?

To refocus the attention of voters, I amped up Operation Diversion -- you know my string of attention getting tactics that I do every now and then to keep voters from thinking about Barack's struggle to get something done in Washington.

This week, to shift the spotlight, I did the following:

Hopped around like a bunny with grade school children in New Hampshire as I talked to them about eating healthy as part of my "Let's Move" campaign.
Praised healthcare as a historical achievement at a fundraising event, even though the legislation is before the Supreme Court and is unconstitutional in its healthcare mandate.
Pretended I could stomach former First Lady Hillary Clinton enough to join her on International Women's Day to present the 2012 Women of Courage awards to 10 selectees who have tried to improve social and political conditions for women across the globe.
Strategically wore the same dress twice so the media could but a magnifying glass on my fashion.

Yet, little has worked. There is no way to keep these receipts and expense reports from coming out. Here's hoping friends in the U.S. Justice Department will do us a solid and stall this lawsuit until after November so we can get re-elected and have access to America's Jackpot of vacation dollars for four more years.

Note: The foregoing is fictitious and is not meant to represent a real diary from Michelle Obama

Dear Diary -- I've got my hood card back!

2/3/2012

Dear Diary,

In an effort to rally support for hubby's campaign, I went to Hollywood this week to commune with my idols -- the Hollywood elite. To my dismay, I ended up in Inglewood! That's right, the land of Dr. Dre, gangbangers and generic urbanites.

Yes, I know I grew up in Chicago and I'm proud to be a black woman, but I try to avoid the hood whenever I go to L.A. I have a whole photo album of my past trips cheesin' it up with movie stars, musical artists, producers, and other important people. I had never set a foot inside a real, urban community in Los Angeles before. I mean, what's the point? To become a criminal statistic? No, thanks.

Barack and I may beg for $5 from regular folks by email, but when I go to Cali, I prefer the Sunset Boulevard kind of folks with Rodeo Drive money.

Barack feels similarly, that's why when he takes his bus tours across America he mostly stays out of those hardened urban areas. They are just too cynical --- and well, they're supposed to vote for us by default.

So, why oh why, did Arianna Huffington have to open her big mouth! She had the audacity to tell me that I should not leave L.A. without visiting real people who are struggling. Hello? I see these people on T.V. Barack and I listen to Jay Z on our Ipods. We know all about the drop, pop and lock and various other urban sundries. What more do we need to know except that we have these people in our back pocket on election day.

Nevertheless, Arianna does write the Bible, a.k.a the Huffington Post, which writes so favorably about Barack and me. So, I decided to give her suggestion a try. It was a hit!

I got so much publicity from going to the grocery stores in Inglewood and showcasing my dramatic and sympathetic facial expressions to show I cared about the people there. This is bound to lead to more TV work! Let the record show, however, that these people did NOT give us heaps of campaign moolah like darling Hollywood notables Harvey Weinstein, Quincy Jones, and $2 million-dollar-contributor Jeff Katzenberg! Now, that's why I go to L.A.!

Still, the experience was exhilarating. I feel kind of great! Daring even. I feel like I've got my street cred back!

Note: This article is intended as a political satire and is not meant to represent an actual diary entry by First Lady Michelle Obama.

Dear Diary: I'm getting in touch with my Tweeples!

1/14/12

7 p.m.

Dear Diary,

This week I corrected a long-running American problem. I ended my absence on Twitter. While George Dubyah Bush could barely understand "the internets," Barack and I are much more digitally astute, with our Blackberries, viral YouTube videos, and emails to supporters. I'm embarrassed that I've been so busy kissing up to Hollywood elite and stars of the music industry that I'm just now sending out my first tweet.

After 3 days, I've amassed nearly 300,000 followers. Right now, however, Barack's keepers only let me follow six people (Joe Biden, Hubby, campaign staff and government offices). Plus, all my tweets have to be approved. I feel like Ashton Kutcher! It's so frustrating that my communications have to be monitored and "managed" by campaign staff, but I confess I did almost ruin the 2008 campaign uttering such political gaffes as "For the first time in my adult life I'm proud of my country."

Can't an anti-American icon get a break? Geesh.

On Twitter, my activity has been limited to harmless postings, such as:

Saying "Hi."
Re-tweeting updates from my "Joining Forces" Initiative
Reminding people to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
Tweeting my photo with Miranda Cosgrove of iCarly

My most important tweet was pointing people to the redemptive interview I did this week with Gayle King on CBS. After news got out that my contentious nature was the reason Barack's top aides have deserted our campaign, I had to go on TV and do damage control.

Basically I promised people that I'm not a shrew -- a harpy maybe, but not a shrew. Then, I deflected attention. I let the media know that the problem was not me but how the public perceives black women as angry and confrontational.

Despite my over-tweezed and angry eyebrows, I am not angry people! When viewers bought my excuse and internally questioned whether they were being fair to black women... my goodness, it was the second time in my life that I've been proud of this country.

Kisses,

Dear Diary: What Should My New Name Be?

Dear Diary,
I'm depressed. Why? The term “First Lady” is too boring and I'm tired of being called that. Plus, since I like doing jumping jacks on the White House lawn and throwing footballs while bearing my biceps, the term is frankly a misnomer.

Other women, such as Eleanor Roosevelt, Jackie Kennedy and Hillary Clinton, all transformed the role of what a first lady should be. I want my turn! (But in the most superficial way – I want to change FLOTUS to a title with more pizzazz to it!).

I tested a new title this week by leaking a video of my upcoming appearance on iCarly. In it, I advise that I prefer the title “Your Excellency” – but that didn’t go over too well. Conservative pundits accused me of being conceited, while Democrats dismissed me as joking.

Well, I guess abandoning “Your Excellency” is for the best. I’m so over excellence. As far as I am concerned, America is not about being excellent or exceptional anymore. I’m perfectly comfortable leaving that to the Chinese who rock for loaning us so much money. No, America is about being cool and being popular – which is what I’ve been completely obsessed with since hubby took the presidential oath. This is why I remain perplexed when Republicans accuse us of not focusing enough on domestic issues.

If I did not care what was going on domestically in this country, would I devote so much of my time to giving magazine and TV interviews advising families on whether they should watch the Kardashians? Would I be posing for fashion shoots and telling Americans what type of fashion choices to make? (Sweaters…and big belts. You can’t go wrong with knits and belts).

Check my record. We’ve kept our finger on the pulse of popular domestic issues by consulting with such notables as … the rapper Common, whom I tried to pass off to the media as a real poet for a Poetry Night at the White House. Since that was such a huge success, I plan to stage an evening of classical music soon– featuring the virtuoso ….. Jay Z.

Another consultant on domestic policy with whom I like to spend time is the darling Beyonce (She taught me how to Dougie!)

I hope I did her proud when I danced like a commoner on iCarly. The episode is airing in full Jan. 16, but people are already raving over YouTube clips. I’m soooo hip – the most chill and laid-back First Lady to ever grace 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Wait! I have an epiphany! That’s it! Now, I know what I should call myself.
What do you think?:
“First Cool Chick”
“Head Pop Diva in Charge”
“Michell-yonce”
“M-Diddy.”

Take that Jackie O!

Michelle Obama Channels Marie Antoinette in this Diary Entry

First Lady wears $2,000 dress while country's economy languishes

Dear Diary,
I hope you don’t mind if I ignore you and directly appeal to the Ghost of Marie Antoinette, my idol, this week:
Dear Great Goddess Marie,
I know the $2,000 sundress that I wore for Christmas church service doesn’t quite show as much disregard for the economically repressed masses as your brilliant admonishment that starving peasants should simply eat cake.

I am, however, following well in your footsteps.

As the U.S. economy struggles and nearly 9 percent of the populace continues to look for work, I spent excessive government money this month by flying to Hawaii for vacation before the President so that taxpayers would have to pay for two separate trips! (I just love the luxurious Air Force One. I would fly in it every day if I could.)

Our total for the Kailua, Oahu holiday is $4 million so far!

That along with my sundress surely suggests that hubby and I are now part of the 1%. (Don’t tell the Democrats, however. We still plan to pretend to be part of the 99%. All it will take is one highly publicized trip to Walmart for everyone to forget my splurges.)

This journal entry, of course, would not be complete without a photo of me in my fabulous overpriced dress. It was a white dress -- sleeveless, of course-- with broad crimson, fuschia and gold horizontal stripes. It’s not like I could wear rags as we pretended to celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus at the Marine Corps base. (I looked so much better than those Marine women).

Here I am: Don’t I look great?

(Photo Credit: The Daily Mail)

P.S. Diary -- Isn’t designer Sophie Theallet a great designer? Maybe I should get her to make me a $2,000 swimsuit for our next vaction. You know it's coming soon!

Note: The foregoing entry is literary satire and is not meant to represent an actual diary entry by First Lady Michelle Obama.

A Great Birthday

Wednesday, January 19th
3:00 pm

Dear Diary,

My birthday brought all of my favorite people together. It is so strange to me that I am almost 47 - I don't feel (or look) a day over 30. It was great to be able to celebrate my birthday on one of our nations most important National Holidays - Martin Luther King Day. I wonder what these next few years will bring. I am truly blessed.

I wish I had more time to write but this country will not run itself!

Thanks for listening,

Michelle

Focus on Fashion

Friday, January 9th 11:05am Dear Diary, Apparently, I’ve already begun to fulfill my second New Year’s Resolution – to become a fashion icon. Even the New York Times notes that it might be up to me to save the fashion industry during this recession. Yikes! That’s a huge responsibility, but I guess if anyone’s up to the challenge, it’s me. They’ve recognized how much I’ve done already for the fashion industry. Much of it comes naturally, although the campaign advisors and I really made a point to dress to impress without the impressive prices that Sarah Palin boasted during her shopping spree at Neiman Marcus. Plus, I don’t just wear designer clothes. I wear what looks good. And if that means J. Crew and the GAP, then I’ll shop at J. Crew and the GAP. It’s nice to be viewed as such a role model. But then again, I’ll admit it – I’ve considered my fashion taste to be impeccable. And I am considerably younger than the last few first ladies, so it’s natural that more women will try to emulate my look. Interesting though that so much emphasis is also placed on my body. The New York Times article and countless others have described me as strong, confident, commanding, and truly American. Well, shoot, I’ll take that. And I hope that women and girls see this, and understand that they don’t have to fit one body type. Strong, capable women come in so many sizes. I, and so many other women, are a true testament to that fact. Yours always, Michelle

Resolutions for the New Year

Thursday, January 8th 9:30pm Dear Diary, Three weeks have passed since my last entry, and I realize that I do miss writing in my diary. And as I am in need of an outlet in which I can vent privately, I have resolved to make my New Year’s Resolution a goal to write in my secret diary more. That, as well as beginning my legacy as the greatest First Lady to date. Well, the greatest First Lady since Eleanor Roosevelt. She was a delegate to the UN after all, among other achievements. Though perhaps I can still surpass her. She certainly had politics and social work on her side, but I’ve already started down the path of the fashionista. And when I start enacting my many service organizations, as well as the Michelle Obama Foundation (haven’t decided the focus of that, but will think more on that later), I will truly begin my legacy as the greatest First Lady. I do enjoy a good superlative, or a great one, as it were, But for now, my top three New Year’s Resolutions are as follows:

Write in my diary more. Perhaps it is a selfish resolution, but everyone needs an outlet. And when I’m constantly in the spotlight, it would be almost impossible to get all my thoughts out without the diary. And that just wouldn’t do.
Become a fashion icon. Though I’ve already started doing so, there is so much more I can accomplish, from talk shows (and perhaps hosting my own show), to inspiring an entire line of clothing.
Embark upon my path as a philanthropic leader. I’m trying not to brag when I admit that I’m destined to become a philanthropic leader. I’ve done everything right. And other First Ladies have created many benevolent organizations. But I’m going to take it to the next level. Haven’t figure out how, but it’s a work-in-progress resolution.

I clearly have my work cut out for me as a First Lady. I’m looking forward to Inauguration when I’ll officially be acknowledged as First Lady. Yours always, Michelle

Apology for Ann? Not Necessary

Tuesday, December 16th 10:10pm Dear Diary, Ann Coulter never ceases to amaze me. And after being informed that she addressed me directly on the Hannity and Colmes show, I couldn’t help but watch the clip on YouTube, just to see what inanities she cared to express. As expected, it was ridiculous. Barack has decided (with my encouragement) to be sworn in as Barack Hussein Obama, since it is a tradition for the president to be sworn in using one’s entire name. To be sworn in as simply Barack Obama would be calling into question how comfortable Barack is with his own name, which then brings up a host of other issues and implications. He and I both agree that it’s better go about this according to protocol. But of course, all the conservative news stations and television shows are having a field day with this. Ann Coulter, one of Sean Hannity’s favorite guests, (guest being a more realistic title than “pundit,” which gives more credit than is due) has to make this a big deal. At first she called him “B. Hussein Obama,” but then resorted to simple referring to him as “Hussein.” When she identified him as “B. Hussein,” I had to stand up. It’s obvious she’s trying to create a fear bomb by creating a non-existent connection between him and Saddam Hussein to scare Americans. Not only that, since when is a President referred to by his middle name? I never heard of FDR referred to as “F. Delano” or Richard Nixon called “R. Milhous,” or simply “Milhous.” So why do it with Barack? She’s trying to create fear. And to demand an apology from me for telling the truth is laughable. I’m simply calling a spade a spade. So no, Ann Coulter, I will not apologize. More importantly, it’s sad that Barack’s middle name is even an issue. People should have more common sense than to make a big deal about something so insignificant and so inconsequential. Come on, America, we’re smarter than that. Yours always, Michelle

Favorability Ratings on the Rise

Monday, December 15th 9:30pm Dear Diary, That Wall Street Journal is a great paper. At least, I’m a big fan after they published an article talking about my favorability ratings. Apparently, it’s on the rise, up 10% from my approval rating in September. So 31% of the American people have a “very positive” view of me, up from September’s 21%. Not to mention, 69% of the respondents think I’m a positive role model for American women. Personally, I’m a bit surprised that more women don’t see me as a good role model, but I’m sure those numbers will increase soon, especially when I start some social programs of some sort as First Lady. Plus, it’s nice to know that only 16% view me as a negative influence on American women, and I’m sure that that cohort consists almost entirely of bigoted men who believe that a woman shouldn’t be given so much power. Well, to those voters, I say, “Too bad.” This woman is about to get a lot more power. Especially when I start my campaign for the presidency. Yes, that may have to wait eight years, but it’s coming. Oh, and already, I have a higher favorability rating than Hillary Clinton. Good to know, especially since she only narrowly lost the Democratic nomination. Yours always, Michelle

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