Dear Diary,

I'm depressed. Why? The term “First Lady” is too boring and I'm tired of being called that. Plus, since I like doing jumping jacks on the White House lawn and throwing footballs while bearing my biceps, the term is frankly a misnomer.

Other women, such as Eleanor Roosevelt, Jackie Kennedy and Hillary Clinton, all transformed the role of what a first lady should be. I want my turn! (But in the most superficial way – I want to change FLOTUS to a title with more pizzazz to it!).

I tested a new title this week by leaking a video of my upcoming appearance on iCarly. In it, I advise that I prefer the title  “Your Excellency” – but that didn’t go over too well. 

Conservative pundits accused me of being conceited, while Democrats dismissed me as joking.

Well, I guess abandoning “Your Excellency” is for the best. I’m so over excellence.  As far as I am concerned, America is not about being excellent or exceptional anymore. I’m perfectly comfortable leaving that to the Chinese who rock for loaning us so much money. No, America is about being cool and being popular – which is what I’ve been completely obsessed with since hubby took the presidential oath. This is why I remain perplexed when Republicans accuse us of not focusing enough on domestic issues.

If I did not care what was going on domestically in this country, would I devote so much of my time to giving magazine and TV interviews advising families on whether they should watch the Kardashians? Would I be posing for fashion shoots and telling Americans what type of fashion choices to make? (Sweaters…and big belts. You can’t go wrong with knits and belts).

Check my record. We’ve kept our finger on the pulse of popular domestic issues by consulting with such notables as … the rapper Common, whom I tried to pass off to the media as a real poet for a Poetry Night at the White House. Since that was such a huge success, I plan to stage an evening of classical music soon– featuring the virtuoso ….. Jay Z.  

Another consultant on domestic policy with whom I like to spend time is the darling Beyonce (She taught me how to Dougie!)

I hope I did her proud when I danced like a commoner on iCarly. The episode is airing in full Jan. 16, but people are already raving over YouTube clips. I’m soooo hip – the most chill and laid-back First Lady to ever grace 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Wait! I have an epiphany! That’s it! Now, I know what I should call myself.   

What do you think?:

“First Cool Chick”

“Head Pop Diva in Charge”

“Michell-yonce”

“M-Diddy.”



Take that Jackie O!